Yeah, you read that right. I've joined the 20% of single people out there who use online dating services. It all started about a year ago, when my best friend MC Hammer convinced me to sign up for a free online dating site. I was feeling down on the dating front, and this was his prescription for my ailment. I put up a profile picture, and I construct what I think will be a clever, delightful personal summary:
I'm what some would call a living, breathing paradox: Book-smart, but no street smarts. Outgoing and bubbly, but weirdly shy. Super girly, with a secret love for Star Wars and Star Trek. Love to be on the move, but love vegging out on my sofa. Love to be surrounded by people, but cherish alone time. I'm a health nut, but I love to eat mass quantities of Cheetos. And that's just the tip of the iceberg...
I go on to reveal that sushi is my favorite food, I love J. Crew and champagne, and I sleep with a nightlight. Pretty harmless stuff, right? So you would think ... [insert ominous sound effects here].
I start getting 5 or 6 messages a day from would-be online suitors. They range the gamut from "What's your favorite sushi restaurant in Ann Arbor?" to "hey sxyy" to "What's your favorite Star Trek series?" to "I'm starting a foot modeling website..." Yeah.
And then Miami Moe messages me. We both went to the same undergrad, we have dozens of mutual Facebook friends (Very Important Qualification), and he seems cute, nice and normal. In a moment of daring, I agree to meet him in Detroit for the MAC championship game at Ford Field. I tell no less than 10 people where I'm going, with strict instructions to call the cops if I don't text/call by a certain time. Hey-- I've read the articles about the Craigslist Killer. I have a wonderful time. Moe is awesome! Cute, nice, respectful, the whole shebang. We hang out for a few months, I meet his friends, he cooks me dinner, yadda yadda yadda. And then one day he casually mentions that he masturbated in the car on his way to see me. Let's just say that was a dealbreaker. I booked it and never looked back.
Cut to four months later, when Zanzibar messages me. (I stayed on the site after the Miami Moe Incident-- the narcissist in me likes the messages telling me I'm pretty.) Zanzibar is super cute, and seems like a well-rounded normal person. I agree to meet for drinks at Sava's, one of my favorite places in town-- and his! (Could we be soul mates?) We have a nice time, good conversation, he says we should get together again, sends a follow-up text, and then.... nothing. Jerk. I vow to never again be rejected by someone who I met online, and immediately delete my account.
Online dating is supposed to increase efficiency and decrease the "chance factor" of meeting The One. But if a 90% match based on the Super Fancy Calculators that the sites have doesn't yield anything positive, is it really that efficient? I could go on dates with 10 guys a week who I have a 90+% match with, but without that special "spark," all I'll have done is wasted my time (currently valued at $12.50 an hour, apparently). I'd rather hit the bars and count on serendipity. Worst case? I'll have quality time with my friends, and maybe even jump in a kiddie pool.
L
PS: I do believe that online dating can be successful-- I know a couple who met online that are now engaged. Or, if you're like MC Hammer, you can ask out a girl online who never responds, only to start dating her roommate.... Awkward.
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