the ex files, part one: defriending your ex on facebook

Dear readers,
It's been months, but I'm back...and newly single.   And to get my writing juices flowing, I'm writing a mini series on break ups-- write what you know, right?  Tune back in a couple weeks for topics that are a little more fun, or join me on my journey through the sad, the bitter, the thoughtful, and the sometimes funny moments on my road to getting over Mr. Not Quite Right:

In the olden days, breaking up meant saying farewell and putting your love letters in a shoebox hidden in the depths of your closet. But now it's 2011, and your ex is everywhere -- in your phone, in your digital camera that you lost a month ago but now found, on your desktop background, on your Gchat buddy list, and on your Facebook friends list.  You can change your desktop, block their username on Gchat, and put those pictures in a digital version of a shoebox, deep in the depths of your external hard drive.  Out of sight, out of mind.  But with Facebook, there's a lot to consider:  your ex popping up on your newsfeed, your insatiable desire to stalk your ex, various privacy settings, and the irreversible decision to unfriend.  So, fresh out of a breakup....to defriend, or not to defriend?  That is the question.

I don't know what it's like for other people, but I'm very tempted to look at my ex's profile.  And from personal experience, this is how it goes: 

• Week One:  Look at ex's profile daily hourly.  Feel relieved to see he hasn't moved on, and your statuses are wittier than his.
• Week Two:   Ex makes new facebook friend of the opposite gender.  Spend hours trying to internet search her and determine the nature of their relationship based on the tiny profile picture you can see.
• Week Three:   Ex posts picture of himself and scantily clad girl at a party.  You block him from your newsfeed.
• Week Four:  You swear to yourself you won't look at his profile.  You make it three days.  Yikes.  Pattern continues until...
• Week ___:  Ex posts his new relationship status with a really pretty girl who is 4 years younger than you.  You defriend him.  (Or for the truly masochistic, continue to torture yourself by stalking).

 The first time I defriended an ex, I debated long and hard about what that action would mean.  Unfriending someone might look like a cry for attention, and in the power struggle that a breakup can be, you don't want to be the weak one.  I was worried it would make me look like I was powerless to resist him, or that I had a hatred so strong I wouldn't even consider him a Facebook friend.   Or more importantly, that it would seem immature.

But if Facebook is holding you back from moving on from a person, then it might be a necessary move.  And is it really immature to give yourself a chance to move on with life, and let it go? I say no.  It just means that you're helping yourself get back on your feet, and on the road back to happiness and independence.  (At least that's what I told myself when I hastily defriended my most recent ex after a few too many sidecars at the office party last night.)

Perks to defriending your ex:  Not feeling any [irrational] pressure to make your status perfect in case he reads it.  Forcing them to request you as a friend, thereby outing that they tried to creep through your photos.  And most important--it is a lot harder to miss someone that you never see.

L