a dating how not to

When my housemate moved out late last month, she gave me a dating book and said I might learn something from it.  Whether she was insulting my current dating methods and techniques, or just thought I would like a good read, I'm not sure.  What I am sure of?  I'm totally addicted!  Last night I read a chapter called "You're not that into him, but you slept with him anyway."  Very enlightening.

Prior to this book, I didn't have much experience with dating manuals, other than reading Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul (Volumes 1, 2, and 3).  And one time when I was working at the university library in undergrad, we came across a dating manual from the 1950s, full of gems like "Be a little gay and more interesting for him.  His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it."  Now that I'm hooked on this more modern book, I've gone crazy and ordered basically every dating book I've ever heard of from the library.  Give me a few weeks, and I'll be a total dating guru.  Maybe I'll even write my own book then!

In the meantime, I have done my time on the dating treadmill.  Marathons worth of time, if you will.  And based on both my own and my close friends' experiences, I've produced a quick list of dating how not to's (some of these might be a little situation specific):

• Don't make out with a guy you don't like. He'll probably just keep asking you out.
• Don't give guys too much information about "that time" of the month.
• Don't share your weed stash with your roommate's girlfriend's little brother who thinks you're hot.  He'll never stop calling.
• Don't talk about marriage.  Ever.
• Don't date your roommate.
• Don't write a blog post about how he "helped himself" driving on the highway.
• Don't pretend to be interested in old cars/politics/football/whatever unless you actually are.
• Don't call him by a pet name.  Don't let him call you by a pet name.
• Don't spy on his cell phone/facebook/email. 
• Don't order anything that contains broccoli, pesto, corn, or spinach on a first date if you don't have floss in your purse.
• Don't puke in front of your date.  Or in his bed.
• Don't ever say "Oh, I never even saved your phone number to my contacts list."
• Don't date anyone younger than (your age/2) + 7 years.  Or under the age of 18.  
• Don't date anyone too old.  There's a reason they're still single.
• Don't accept a date offer to Bar Louie on a Tuesday night.
• Don't Facebook friend him until you're actually friends, or seriously dating.
• Don't tell a guy that last night's hook-up was like a sloppier version of Seth Rogen and Katherine Heigl in Knocked Up.
• Don't be stoopid.

L