why you shouldn't apply the scientific method to relationships

I’m in a relationship again.  The funny thing about relationships is that they send my psycho brain zooming off in a million directions, all at once, non-stop, twenty-four-seven.  [Side bar: What if we knew all the answers to love?  We could devote all that extra brainpower to something productive.  Cancer would be cured.]  Unfortunately, my brain doesn’t always meander in good directions, because this hopelessly romantic gal is a tad cynical and guarded these days.   And my overactive brainy nerdiness that makes me endearing (to some at least) totally backfires in this instance.  Because I collect and gather evidence and analyze my relationship, like it’s an experiment or something-- the Scientific Method, 20 times a day: 

• Ask A Question:  Does my boyfriend like me?  (Easily replaced with “Is my boyfriend planning on breaking up with me?”)
• Construct a Hypothesis:  Boyfriend does not like me. 
• Conduct an Experiment:  Now, I’m not the kind of girl who usually sets up “traps” for her boyfriend.  There is no “Count how long it takes to respond to my text message” or any of that baloney.    But I might employ those methods during my experimental phases.  When I send a smiley face, is it returned?  If I call does he sound happy to hear me?
• Analyze the data:  I combine the results of my “experiments” with the vast amount of data already at my disposal -- the number of dates, numbers of text messages, lines in gchats, and numbers of phone calls received versus sent.  And I look at those numbers in terms of frequency over time, e.g.,  “3 months ago he used to text me 20 times a day, and now only 2 times a day!”
• Draw a Conclusion:  He hates me and is planning to dump me ASAP.  Or very occasionally, my fears are put to rest.  The numbers have remained steady, and I am relieved and consoled for a whole hour until the whole process starts again.
• Communicate the results (and more!):  Once I draw my pessimistic conclusion, I start to dwell on it and let it eat at me, and I become resentful, and start lashing out with passive aggressiveness.  And then, what do you know—that hypothesis becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, because how many sane guys would stay with an angry, resentful, passive aggressive girlfriend that counts text messages?  Oh wait…none.

I know.  This is insane, irrational, and totally unhealthy.  (Though I WAS comforted to find out recently from a girlfriend that I’m not the only one who does this—but I may be the only one who admits to it on the internet!).  I’m slowly coming to recognize my unhealthy behaviors, and I’m trying to grow out of them.  So going forward, I’m going to try and ditch the scientific method and operate on a basis of trust.  Trust that just because I’m not receiving a constant stream of text messages doesn’t mean he doesn’t care about me.  Trust that if he does want to break up, he will let me know.  And trust that if I am feeling uncertain about anything, that we can have an open dialogue about it.

Whoa-- Am I sounding a little grown-up? 

L