i believe, age 16

So today I was googling a friend's potential love interest, since I'm a professional Internet Researcher and all (but really -- this was a task I used to be paid for at my old job from time to time), which made me remember that I haven't googled myself in a while to make sure my internet presence is goodie-two-shoes.  Everything looked A-okay, until I stumbled on my online diary from senior year of high school.  A ton of kids at my high school had them, and as the precursor to xanga/livejournals/myspace which was the precursor to Facebook, you can imagine the kind of drama they caused.  I'm pretty sure the library media center ended up blocking the domain so that people couldn't log in at school.

Luckily, it seems I had the common sense to delete my original diary that was full of all kinds of sordid details and angst, but this one still exists somehow.  Just a couple of short, random posts that I wish I had more details about... What was the ONE thing I wish I had done differently at prom?  Why was I in "very very very big trouble"?  The suspense is killing me.  One thing I did find was my "I Believe" paper from English class.  The assignment was to write x number of "I believe" statements, and I think our teacher was going to mail them back to us later on in life, but I'll believe it when I see it (Anyone in Sheline's class get the letter we wrote to ourselves freshman year?).

What did I believe at age 16?  Read on:

i believe. (May 8, 2005)

I believe in having a good time.
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy and Lindsey a dull girl.

I believe in relaxation. Nothing beats bubble baths,
or barefoot summer afternoons reading on the back deck.

I believe in laughing. It's good for your heart.
I believe that acting silly in front of other people is A-Okay.

I believe in eating. I believe that ice cream is an acceptable breakfast.
I believe that food tastes better when it looks pretty on your plate.

I believe in family time. I believe in family dinners.
I believe that everyone needs to be loved unconditionally by someone.

I believe that friends are priceless.
Friends are the flowers in the garden of life.
I believe that strangers are friends waiting to be met.

I believe in sharing. Things are just things.
I don't believe that there is a reason to be selfish.

I believe that a messy room is okay. I wish my mom did.
I am a firm believer that the floor is just an enormous shelf.

I believe in respecting your body.
I believe that a lot of people don't.

I believe that people's quirks make them special.

I believe that what a person does when no one is watching
is what defines that person. Anyone can put on a front for an audience.

I believe in sweating. Otherwise it doesn't seem like you're working hard.
Whoever said that a girl "glows" is a liar. Girls sweat.

I believe in believing in opposite ideas:

I believe in buckling down and getting stuff done. But--
I believe in procrastinating as much as possible.

I believe in saving money. But--
I believe in spending it all.

I don't believe in choosing favorites.
My favorite color is pink.

I believe in working hard. But sometimes--
I believe in doing as little work as possible.

I believe in God. But--
I am not one of strong faith.
I believe in the Big Bang.

I believe that abortion is wrong, but--
I believe that women deserve a choice.

I believe in keeping my secrets. But--
I enjoy telling them.

I believe it is okay to be wishy-washy about some things.

I believe that to keep a diary is difficult.
I believe that successful diary-writing keeps you at peace with yourself.
Even online diaries.

I believe that a bad day can be forgotten after a good, hard workout.
I believe in chocolate and endorphins.

I believe that you can't try to control your life too much.
I believe in "letting go of the wheel" and "stopping to enjoy the scenery".

I believe in using cheesy analogies and hiding behind metaphors.
I believe in everything cheesy:
romance novels, macaroni and cheese, and Disney movies.

I believe in random acts of kindness.

I believe in being mellow.
I believe that people who get too caught up in things don't take the time to enjoy themselves.

I believe in taking my time.
I believe that everyone should choose a time of day to dilly-dally.
I choose breakfast.

I believe in naming inanimate objects.
Olivia the viola is friends with Debby the bike.

I believe in love.
I don't believe in trying to ponder love.

I believe in listening to books on tape,
driving fast, playing solitaire for hours on end,
wearing socks to bed, drinking chocolate milk,
and sleeping in 'til noon.

I believe in honesty, inherent goodness,
unconditional love, and heaven.

I believe in enjoying the small things in life.
And that then the big things will fall in place by themselves.

Le Sigh.

<3 L

the hazards of cohabitation

Han Solo has been in Colorado all week until Sunday, which means I’ve had free reign over the house.  Mostly this means vegging out on the couch (which he does NOT approve of), walking around in my underwear (which he probably WOULD approve of), and generally doing whatever I want.  The other night I made a giant bowl of rice for dinner and watched about 8 episodes of Say Yes To the Dress while I ate it.  In other words, Single People Behavior.  You know, the weird stuff you do all the time when you’re single and you live alone that you pretend you don’t do when you start cohabitating.  

So though we haven’t had any domestic disputes regarding stereotypical cohabitation issues like raised toilet seats [yet], there have been a couple of awkward moments when the Single People Behavior was accidentally revealed.  Oops!  And so over the last 5 weeks I’ve learned that there are at least a few hazards of cohabitation, including, but not limited to:

• Getting caught biting your toenails while you watch Pretty Little Liars
• Accidental dutch ovens
• Getting caught sniffing your clothes to see if they’re clean enough to wear again.
• The necessity of creating a “bathroom protocol” for when you … don’t pee, which obviously doesn’t apply to me, since girls don’t poop
• All awkward bodily function moments possibly imaginable
• Being made fun of for crying/yelling over the most recent Mistresses plot twist [sidenote- BEST SHOW ON TV RIGHT NOW]

 Despite our best efforts at “preserving the romance,” we’re still forced to see each other as the animals human beings we are sometimes, which is just the nature of being around someone all the time, I guess.  The silver lining surprise is that even faced with some [gross and weird] realities, romance still exists! 

Love is awesome, and I am corny and mushy.  The end.

L

a stranger is just a friend you haven't met yet

This week I picked up phone numbers from three girls.  That’s right-- girls.  During my bar hopping days, I used to gather tons of guys’ numbers and store save them in the contacts as “Do not answer creepy guy from charleys,”  “Nick Stadium,” or “Mark Rush Street 2,” but picking up girls is making me smile way bigger, because… FRIENDS! 

I didn't think Han Solo would love me going out making a bunch of guy friends right away in Tucson, so I decided to set my sights on some girls.   Terrifying.  I am more frightened of girls than a pimply boy at the junior high school dance.  Girl friendships tend to be much more complicated, and as a former (accidental) queen bee, I know they can be political as well.  I’m hoping I've learned my lessons and am treading lightly, trying to move slowly to form genuine and friendly bonds, and I’m not currently looking for any minions (JK-- Blair Waldorf is my idol).  But so far it seems to be working!

Bottom line is, it’s hard to make new friends in a new place—girls or not.  In college all you have to do is be nice to everyone and you instantly have friends, because everyone’s trying to fit in.  Or you join a club like the crew team and you immediately inherit 150 new best friends, and every year you automatically get 40 new freshman recruits to be your new BFFs.   But once you hit the real world, it’s awfully hard.  It took me almost a full year to get the nerves to burst out of my shy little bubble and make friends in Ann Arbor, and another three years to build on that and have an amazing friend group (all of whom I miss very very very much!!!). 

So this time, to avoid shrinking into my bubble and hiding from social interactions, I made a simple goal of socializing at least once a week.  (Hilarious, coming from someone whose planner was so full that happy hours had to be booked two weeks in advance.)  And with the help of co-workers – old AND new—I’m killing my goal every week, and I’m happier than a queen bee in honey.

L

when a midwest girl flies southwest

Han Solo and I touched down in Arizona a week ago today (no thanks to the Wizard of Oz-like weather in Chicago that delayed our flight by almost 3 hours).  And things are A-OK! 

So far, my biggest nemesis has been the weather.  Our first two days here, the national headlines were screaming “It’s hotter in Tucson than in Hell Cairo!”  So basically I've been a sweaty mess.  Normally I love the sun, but here it is like my mortal enemy.  “But it’s a dry heat!” they [cruel Arizonians, which I will become] say.  NO.  115 degrees is 115 degrees!  When I step outside I can feel all of the water instantly evaporate, the oxygen sucks out of my body, and the sweat immediately starts to pour.  So between my constant drenched, sweaty appearance and my semi-constant (heh) complaining that I’m hot, I’m surprised that Captain Solo hasn’t sent me back to sender yet. 

As for the actual cohabitation part, week one has been bliss.  So blissful, in fact, that I’m getting all mushy and lovey dovey and driving my man absolutely crazy.  The novelty of being around each other 24/7 is turning me into a love lush and all I want to do is snuggle.  Hopefully that wears off soon, or productivity will be low for the next… eternity.  The logistics of living together have been just easy peasy.  We don’t have any belongings yet, so we’re living out of 2 suitcases each with an aero bed and all of the food has to be raw or microwaveable—my specialties!   No dishes to wash, no meals to cook, no things to fight over, a handful of household rules (close the drawers, no burping loudly, Han Solo takes out the trash), and a bunch of love have made things pretty nice around here. 

That said, our moving truck full of stuff arrives next Monday, so I’m pretty sure the 14 Days Without Lindsey Crying record is gonna be reset… More updates to come!

L

PS:  Don't worry, the makeover for the page is coming soon :)

when you realize your only hobby is tv

Last night, The Frog Prince (boyfriend's name is now equal to whatever I feel like) and I went out to dinner and conversation turned to Our Awesome, Amazing Life in Arizona That Starts In Six Weeks.  Specifically, we talked about how sometimes Froggy will have some work to do in the evenings, so I'll have to entertain myself while he holes up in his office with his pictures of bones.  Now this is totally fine, since I'm an independent woman and I don't need my man to entertain me.  What's not so fine is that this conversation slowly made me realize that my only hobby right now is drooling in front of the television.

This is a little exaggerated, but at the same time, not really. If on an average day I finish work at 5pm and go to bed at 11pm, then during an average week I have 30 hours of free time to do as I please.  A breakdown of those 30 hours as follows:

• 1 hour- Yoga class.  On a good week, I go to one yoga class.  I am already cheating on this list and using fuzzy data.
• 2 hours- Soccer.  I have two 1-hour soccer games every week.
• 3 hours- Happy hour/dinner plans with friends.
• 4 hours- Kissing The Frog Prince.  This might not sound like a lot, but we spend a lot of weekend time together.
• 5 hours- Exercise (Running/hand weights/whatever).  One hour a day is a little inflated, but I'll include picking out cute workout clothes in those 60 minutes.
• 15 hours- TV, or some activity (eating, laundry, Fruit Ninja) in front of the TV.  But mostly just the TV part.

YIPES!  Bottom line is, I need a new hobby.  We spent the rest of dinner brainstorming new hobbies for me, but didn't make much headway besides reading, and this blog, which I have been neglecting again.  And there's only so much exercise you can do in a day before you die of overexertion, so I need something to add to the little runing/soccer/yoga hobbies I currently entertain.  I can be pretty crafty, and one time I made an awesome scrapbook, but it's just not something I picture myself doing all the time as a hobby.  Painting, taxidermy, and stamp collecting don't seem up my alley either.  I even tried googling some good hobbies, but none really stood out to me. 

I'll be pretty busy the next couple of weeks leading up to the move, but I'll also be looking for a new hobby.  Throw suggestions my way!  For now, my hobby will be avoiding the TV, but I'd like something a little more fun than that.  On the plus side, I know the Frog Prince is supportive -- when we discussed the possibility of my taking up pottery and selling it on the internet, he said if no one would buy it, he would buy it anonymously so I wouldn't be sad.  Love is awesome.

Until next time (hopefully soon),

flying in planes with boys

Pop quiz!  You and your significant other are flying across the country for an awesome vacation together.  Your ticket gets upgraded to 1st class, but your s/o's doesn't.  Do you:

• A:   Switch your seat so you can snuggle back in steerage.
• B:   Tell your honey "See you in [somewhere across the country!]"  and enjoy the free food, free drinks, and extra legroom guilt-free.
• C:   Give the upgrade to your significant other so they can enjoy the perks of 1st class.
• D:   Pay for your partner's upgrade so you can sit together.
• E:   All of the above. 

If you chose:

A:  You are an awesome girlfriend/boyfriend that can't be tempted from your sweetie's side by mere human comforts.  You may also just want to make people jealous as you hold hands for 5 hours and use your partner as a pillow.  Bonus: You can make them take the middle seat and avoid sitting next to strangers!

B: You are secure in your relationship and you know that 5 hours apart isn't going to put a damper on a 5 day trip, and you're not going to look a gift horse in the mouth.  Alternatively, you're just greedy and selfish (hopefully this isn't the case).

C:  You're sickeningly sweet.  You ride a unicorn as your car on rainbow paved roads.  Or maybe you take sedatives on planes, so you wouldn't enjoy 1st class anyways.

D:  You are rich.  You aren't worried about spending a couple hundred dollars extra on an already-extravagant vacation.

E:  Just kidding, this doesn't apply to this Completely Hypothetical Situation.

Me?  Try as I might, I'm just not nice enough to be C, and I'm far from rich, so D is out.  So I'm choosing between A and B.  On the one hand, airplane food isn't all that special, and I'm not really looking for a ton of free booze.  Plus, I'm on the small end of the human spectrum, and I don't really need the extra legroom.  Also, it would be nice to hold my boyfriend's hand and make people jealous cozy up for a long flight with a non-stranger.  On the other hand?  I've never flown first class before.  I'm dying to know what it's like.  And I do have enough faith in my relationship that a measly 5 hours won't jeopardize anything.  Luckily for me, my awesome man friend immediately told me to stay up in front and enjoy it, so the choice is mine!

Life sure is hard sometimes.  ;)

the balancing act

I've been talking about balance a lot recently.  Balanced diet, balance doing weird butt-firming isometric moves at Pure Barre, balancing my check book, and of course, work-life balance.  I'm awful at some of them -- Lean Pockets and Rockstar do not a healthy diet make, and my checkbook has been the family joke since I was about 8 years old.  My sore buns are hard evidence that I must be at least semi-decent at the barre, but the work in progress is that pesky work-life balance. 

I should probably specify what I mean by work-life balance.  As someone who shows up at 7:59:59 AM and leaves at 5:00:01 PM Monday through Friday, I have exactly zero difficulty with work-life balance.  It's the life-life balance.  The life-cooking-exercise-boyfriend-alone time-family-friends-cleaning room- doing laundry balance.

I've always struggled with this, largely due to my persistent need to appear "fun."  So in the balance boxing ring, I pretty much always let family/friends/partying kick the crap out of boring stuff like doing laundry/exercise/reading books in peace and quiet.  Fun>No fun.  Simple enough, and very mature and adult-like (heh).  It's gotten even hairier in the past, when boyfriends were added to the mix.  I'll spare you the gory details and sum it up real quick:  Boyfriend > everything else.  Eep! This is concerning for many, many reasons, but I can narrow it down to two big ones.  First, it isn't cool to blow off your friends and the rest of your life for a guy.  And second, when things end (probably due to the clinginess involved), you won't have any friends or life waiting for you.

So I've been making a conscious effort to bring a little balance to my life.  My method so far is to spend my time on things that have higher priority.  It sounds simple, but it's really not-- priorities can shift depending on the circumstances.  For example:  If Friend A, Friend B, and Boyfriend all want to hang out and I have a couple of loads of laundry to run and I need to go to the gym... BUT I hung out with Boyfriend last night and I see Friend A all the time, and it's been weeks since I've seen Friend B and I do have plenty of clean underwear left anyways, and I need a rest day anyways... Aren't you glad you don't live in my head?  Fighting through my crazy inner monologue is half the battle, and I'm trying my hardest to make the right choices.

I'm finding that the temptation is still to blow off exercise and chores for greener pastures, but nonetheless, my room is cleaner than it's ever been in my adult life and I'm starting to rack up some mileage on the treadmill.  So far, there's been a distinct lack of staged interventions from my friends to get me to hang out more, and yesterday, my boyfriend told me that I'm clingy but he "can tell that I'm trying not to be."

I'm gonna call all of those signs of success.