are you a reacher or a settler?

So here I am, thrown back into the uneasy world of singledom [again].  For anyone who still reads this, my singleness just means more fodder for my blog.  Yippee!  But for me, being single means accepting the reality that I could die alone.  For someone who wants a husband and adorable quarter-Asian kids someday, this is Really Depressing.  But as I was telling a friend just the other day, there's something even scarier than dying alone:  Settling for less, just so that you don't have to die alone.  This of course led to the How I Met Your Mother theory of reaching and settling:  That in every relationship, there is a "reacher", and a "settler." In my vast dating experience, I've played both roles.  This is how it goes:

Scenario 1:  The Settler.  Settling is a good way to get a good dose of temporary happiness, because even with a less than desirable mate, you've found some relief from the stress of being single.  Now for some, just being coupled is enough to be happy.  For me, the settling has been a bit more calculated.  [SPOILER: You may not like me after reading this.]  Historically, when I've settled, I have enjoyed the position of power I get in the relationship.  I call the shots, I always get my way, and I don't live in fear of being dumped-- because when you're the settler, you get to be the dumper.  And this is all good and dandy, until you start getting text messages that say "Sorry I suck at hitting on you, I think you're the coolest, but you're so far outta my league," or you kiss somebody else and your boo barely blinks an eye.  Or something else happens that makes you realize that compliance and fawning are not love, and they are certainly not attractive or satisfying.

Scenario 2:  The Reacher.  Reaching is awesome.  There's this constant elated feeling of "ZOMG can you believe someone so attractive/interesting/awesome/cool/smart/ahh!! is into me?!?!?!"  Plus, you're trying to prove to yourself, and to Mr. Settler, that you are worthy of his attention and affection.  So there's self-improvement:  working out more, dressing better, doing cool things to keep up with his level of cool, reading up on topics so you can keep up with their interests.  The problem?  You start craving validation, proof that your efforts aren't in vain, and they still like you.  And you're so busy trying to prove that you're "good enough" for your partner that you never stop to ask if he is good enough for you.  You're so busy reaching for that happy feeling that you don't realize that as the "reacher" you are actually settling-- settling for less attention and affection than you deserve, settling for someone who probably doesn't deserve you in the first place, and settling for a dissatisfying relationship.  Because you can't be 100% happy if in the back of your mind you don't think you're good enough.

So me?  I'm searching for Scenario 3.  The perfect balance, where both partners are reaching and settling.  Except it's not called reaching and settling -- it's called compromise and compatibility.   And to get to that point, I'll have to find the self-acceptance and self-esteem to not have the urge to settle, and the maturity to know how to be 100% satisfied. 

And if that fails me, you can find me in Scenario 4, where I move in with Kiwi and we become old knitting cat ladies together.  You're never alone if you have a sister!

L