becoming my own reason to smile

I'm kind of an awesome girlfriend.  As previously discussed, I tend to throw myself into relationships headlong and at flank speed.  When Big Blue was interning in London, I sent him awesome care packages with swanky Brooks Brothers ties and spoons that I decorated to say "I miss spooning with you."   I baked like crazy for Tree, and showered him and his housemates with cookies and brownies.  Heck, I moved to Michigan to be with my True Love Voldemort.  And I embarked on a long distance romance and did the girl friend thing via hundreds of cute and funny ecards, plane tickets, and even a personalized comic strip (and yes, you should be jealous-- the comic was pretty amazing).  It's definitely not a lie to say that I get genuine pleasure out of making someone happy.

I've been accused of "trying too hard," but I never felt like there was anything wrong with that.  Is there something wrong with really liking someone, and trying to show that to them?  And I also don't see anything wrong with trying to be my best self for a boyfriend either-- I'm usually better about working out, eating healthy, and trying new fun things so I can be the bestest, Most Perfect Girlfriend ever.  Doesn't sound so bad, does it?

What I've been realizing over the past few weeks, is that it is kind of a problem.  Going cold turkey on all the doting is hard -- what am I supposed to do with all of this time I used to spend illustrating comic strips and sending ecards?  It's tempting to rebound so that I can redirect all of this energy, but it seems that no matter how awful I think SPF Ghost is, there is no one who is as good as him.  So I've been letting the extra energy fizzle into the atmosphere, and I've spent all that extra time online shopping and perfecting the art of Draw Something. 

Why it's taken this long to dawn on me, I'm not sure, but I finally realized:  All that extra love?  I should be showering myself in it!  [I can hear the collective "Duh" echoing across the country right now.]  So starting now, I'm going to spoil and dote on myself.  And I'm going to better me, for me-- not some stoopid boyfriend.  My preliminary list of things to do includes:  actually training for my marathon, eating my fruits and veggies, writing more, applying for grad school this year, getting a passport, and most important:  learning to feel safe in my own arms, and becoming my own reason to smile.

L

PS:  The Rules must be starting to sink in.  This is definitely Rule #1.