just say no to slut-o-ween

 "In Girl World, Halloween is the one night a year when a girl can dress up like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it." Sorry, Cady Heron... but in my  world, I get to say something about it. I realize that it's no new trend to rant about how girls dress too slutty for Halloween, but I'd like to think my take on the topic is just a little different from your typical outraged feminist's.  You see, my main beef with the slutty costumes isn't that there's too much exposed skin, or that they're impractical for cold weather.  It's that slutty costumes-- the sexy [insert anything here]'s -- they take away from the very spirit of Halloween. 

Remember when you were a kid, and you spent weeks planning The Perfect Costume, getting every little detail Just So, so that you would be the most convincing SpiderMan/Indiana Jones/Ballerina/Little Mermaid/Dorothy on the block?  My sister Bubba carried a fork around with her and my mom let her comb her hair with it.  When I dressed up like a ballerina the year it snowed and my mom made me wear 10 layers of sweatshirts under my costume to stay warm, I cried because ballerinas aren't fat --and they don't wear snow boots, either.  It was a tragic time in the life of Lindsey Marie. 

Because the best part about Halloween is that you get to dress up as anything... your alter ego, your hero, your favorite tv character or pop culture figure, your favorite animal.  You get to escape your humdrum life, whether that means shedding your normal klutzy self for a night and becoming a beautiful ballerina, or pretending you're Lady Gaga for a night instead of a lousy office drone.  That is the spirit of Halloween.

So ladies, since when does everyone want to be a stripper or a porn star?  Because when you dress up as Sexy Dorothy, you are not dressed as Dorothy-- you are dressed like a stripper with a blue and white gingham dress on.  Sexy Teacher is a porn star character.  Real teachers don't dress like that (or at least none to my knowledge).  And stop trying to make things sexy that just aren't.  Chewbacca is just NOT sexy.  Strapping fur around your privates and holding a gun does not make you Chewie. And to be clear, it's not the sexy factor that I find so repulsive -- it's the deviation from the actual character you're dressing as.

Because I say... if you've got it, flaunt it! Last year I dressed as Katy Perry in a cupcake bra and bedazzled Daisy Dukes.  Pretty skimpy, to say the least.  But I was accurate down to the very tiniest of details.  So don't think dressing sexily requires destroying and defiling the image of a beloved childhood storybook character, animated Disney character, or a random inanimate object. Pick a costume or alter ego that is already sexy, and work the hell out of it.  Whether it's Princess Leia in her gold bikini, or Lady Gaga in one of her revealing no-pants outfits, you can be incredibly sexy without looking like a clichéd Sexy [Blank], or like a downright hooker. 

Just don't go the Emperor's New Clothes route... being too true to THAT story might get you into a little bit of legal trouble.

L

why laughing makes you pee your pants

September 11 is a day that no one will ever forget.  And on Sunday, its 10th anniversary, I added a few new reasons I'll never forget the date.  First, I got a boyfriend.  Second?  I peed my pants in public.  (Obviously, after the boyfriend part.  Too late to turn back by the time I was peeing myself, I guess).  It goes like this:

I'm standing there at Cedar Point watching SPF Ghost try to climb the impossible monkey ladders and win me a giant hot pink stuffed monkey.  I'm tired and dehydrated from a long day and late night of drinking tailgating cheering on the Michigan Wolverines against the sucky Fighting Irish the previous day.  And I'm giddy.  I'm giggling hysterically as Ghost falls off the ladder over and over and over again.  He can't even get onto the ladder completely, so he hasn't even technically had one "turn."  And I bought him three turns.  Best 5 dollars I've ever spent.  People are staring and pointing at the guy who sucks at the monkey ladder.  And I'm laughing hard.  So hard, in fact, that I lose it.  My whole body starts to go limp, and I feel a warmth between my legs-- and not in a good way.  I collapse onto the bench, and clench with all my might, hyperventilating with effort.  I need a bathroom NOW.  Ghost doesn't even notice what's happening.  He just tries to make me climb the ladder to prove hard the game is, and I refuse.  I demand my jacket from him to tie around my waist, and it dawns on him that there's been an accident.  He's literally doubled over laughing at me, which re-starts my laughter.  The problem that was barely contained has now become a huge problem.  Somehow, I manage to regain composure and make it to a bathroom to clean myself up (no thanks to the weird Dyson hand dryer), and went on to happily ride 12 more rides that afternoon.

It was not the sexiest moment of my life by any means.  The worst part?  It's not the first time I've laughed so hard I wet myself.  I have a distinct memory of peeing all over the ugly linoleum floor in the kitchen in our house in Beavercreek, Ohio when I was 5 years old and laughed too hard.  (I also remember my mom yelling at me and getting spanked for it).  And I remember dozens more times after that.  More recently, it's been the last 4 Christmases, when Kiwi and I get a little too hyper playing Phantom of the Opera piano duets.  But never in public-- I've hit a new low.

Since the most recent incident, I've done some Very Extensive Internet Research to assuage my feelings of shame.  Laughing until you pee isn't uncommon at all.  In fact, scientists in the Netherlands found that just under a fifth of the population experiences muscle weakness during laughing and other emotions.  When "funny" jokes* made people laugh, muscle response was reduced by up to 88.9%.  (This accounts for all those years during swim practice when I'd be laughing and my whole body turned into a limp noodle).  And when your muscles-- including your urethral sphincters-- go weak?  Extra pressure on the bladder from laughing plus weakened sphincters equals accidents at Cedar Point, folks. 

Short of never laughing again for fear it'll get out of control, there's really only one solution:  exercising PC muscles.  Let's just say that ever since I read a Cosmo article 18 months ago, I've been doing Kegels at my desk every time I send an email (Now you can think about that every time I email you).  So they haven't seemed to help.  I guess I'm destined to a life of occasional accidents... but I figure as long as I don't have an accident a la Charlotte York, I haven't hit rock bottom yet!

L

* "Funny" jokes such as:
         Q: Why do Belgians use such long moving trucks? 
         A:  To take along their garden hoses.
Don't ask me. Weirdo Dutch humor, I guess.

no discount love for me, please

Yesterday, SPF Ghost shared an article with me about engagement rings.  More specifically, a $1 million engagement ring from Costco.  My very first reaction?  "Get with the times, CNN!  I read about this way back in April!"  But back on point, his question for me was "How would you feel if you were ever given an engagement ring from Costco?"  My answer?  There are 4 Cs in diamond buying, and Costco is not one of them!

[I'd like to include a disclaimer here that unless I am entrusted to haul a ring to the fiery pits of Mordor tomorrow, there are exactly zero rings in my near future.  This is completely hypothetical.  If I met The One and he proposed with a Costco ring, this could all change.  Could.]

There are obvious financial reasons why buying a ring at Costco makes sense-- they're high-quality, certified diamonds, and they're not marked up with brand-name premiums (That blue box at Tiffany & Co. is the most expensive piece of cardboard you'll ever purchase).  Plus, they come with a lifetime guarantee and a full cash back return policy.  And if you're a rewards member, you can even get 2% cashback on the purchase!  It might seem like a no-brainer, maximizing your budget and getting more bling for your buck.

And on the human side of things, when he gets down on one knee, are you really looking at the brand name on the box?  My friend RoRo said yes and freaked out before she even got a glimpse of the ring.  And that's the way it should be.  The fact that the Guy of Your Dreams is asking to you to spend the rest of your life with him should be enough.  The ring is is a symbol.  It shouldn't matter whether it's a cracker jack ring, out of a vending machine, a ring pop, from Costco, or a Harry Winston.  And the rational, normal side of my brain (90%, I'd guesstimate) sees, understands, agrees with all of this. 

But that last 10% of me, the irrational Lindsey Marie H?  She's screaming "Eww!" at the idea of an engagement ring from Costco, or any other big box store for that matter.  The thought of my beloved running to the store for industrial-sized Clorox wipes and some toilet paper, and tossing an engagement ring in the cart with it?  No, thank you!  Also, buying a ring at Costco isn't nearly as personal.  There's no personal relationship with the person who sells you the ring, and if you come back to get it checked out, it's probably going to be someone else wearing a red vest behind the counter.  Shouldn't purchasing an engagement ring be one of the most personal purchases you ever make?  And if it's about saving money, or getting a bargain, divide that difference in cost over the next 50-60 years, and it's a couple candy bars a month. 

The more practical reasons to not purchase at Costco?  They don't resize them for you.  So you'll have to go to a jeweler regardless.  And once you do resize it, the return policy is moot.  Also, the diamonds themselves may be great, but the settings can leave a lot to be desired.  Looking for a happy medium?  Purchase the diamond at Costco, and get it reset at a jeweler.  Cheaper diamond, personal touch of a jeweler.  Win-win.

The value in an engagement ring isn't how large the diamond is, or how much it costs.  It's in the fact that your fiancee went to the effort of finding a symbol of your love that will last throughout your lives, and when the going gets tough, it'll be a constant reminder of that promise made years ago.  I'm not saying I could never get over a Costco ring, or that I'd flat-out reject one.  But hopefully my Prince Charming doesn't want to propose to me with something I'm only 90% sold on, something I could "get over" (but forever lie to my girlfriends about where it came from). So...

Dear Future Fiancee,

Please no discount love.  Give me the expensive, romantic stuff.
We can penny pinch for the rest of our lives together.  On other stuff.

Love,
Lindsey

PS:  I want these to be our engagement photos.  (Thank you JohnCessna for the great find!)

my favorite holiday? my birthday!

I. Love. Birthdays.  I always have--from the times of princess tea party sleepovers to pool parties to last year when I went to a casino for the first time with my Birthday Buddy.  And I don't just love my own birthday-- I love everyone else's too.  But this week is my Birthday Week, so I get to do a little navel gazing and love my own birthday the most.  It is, after all, my favorite holiday of the year!  Why?  Because...

1. I'm alive!  I am a living, breathing, walking, talking, Lindsey Marie that started out as nothing.  And celebrating another birthday means I [miraculously] survived another year.  A birthday means I'm alive, and that I get to do all the fun things that come with being alive.  And that's why I'll never understand all the moaning and groaning and loathing of birthdays.  Would you rather turn 40, or be dead?  Enough said., if you ask me.
2. You get free stuff.  Especially in Ann Arbor.  And for once, my birthday actually lands on a Saturday, which means I'll have time to run around town claiming all my goodies and getting fat and happy.
3. Birthday resolutions.  Birthdays are a natural point to make one-year timetables for goals.  It's one of the only dates next to January 1 that makes sense to make goals and wishes.  And you can bet that when I turn 23 this Saturday, I have some resolutions to make.
4. Birthday parties!  Obviously a girl like me can't leave the party off the list.  Party in my honor?  Yes, please!
5. Birthday presents.   Whether it's a postcard from Alaska, someone reading your blog very carefully and sending The Zombie Survival Guide (Thanks, G6!), flowers, chocolate, a AAA membership for your POS car, or a facebook shoutout, it feels good to be on the receiving end of things for just one day of the year.  
6. Shooting Stars to make Birthday Wishes on.  The Universe usually sends me a present too, in the form of the Perseid meteor shower, which peaks on my birthday every year that I can recall.  So whether I'm getting "stuff" or not, I always have shooting stars.  
7. You can get away with a lot on your birthday.  "Oh, the hostess only seats complete parties?  But... it's my birthday?"  Or you can demand that your mom buy you a beautiful birthday dress when you turn 4, and somehow get away with it:

Paris Hilton once said "live every day like it's your birthday," but I disagree-- you should only get one special day each year to indulge yourself and be completely narcissistic.  And for me, that's this Saturday!

L

a dating how not to

When my housemate moved out late last month, she gave me a dating book and said I might learn something from it.  Whether she was insulting my current dating methods and techniques, or just thought I would like a good read, I'm not sure.  What I am sure of?  I'm totally addicted!  Last night I read a chapter called "You're not that into him, but you slept with him anyway."  Very enlightening.

Prior to this book, I didn't have much experience with dating manuals, other than reading Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul (Volumes 1, 2, and 3).  And one time when I was working at the university library in undergrad, we came across a dating manual from the 1950s, full of gems like "Be a little gay and more interesting for him.  His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it."  Now that I'm hooked on this more modern book, I've gone crazy and ordered basically every dating book I've ever heard of from the library.  Give me a few weeks, and I'll be a total dating guru.  Maybe I'll even write my own book then!

In the meantime, I have done my time on the dating treadmill.  Marathons worth of time, if you will.  And based on both my own and my close friends' experiences, I've produced a quick list of dating how not to's (some of these might be a little situation specific):

• Don't make out with a guy you don't like. He'll probably just keep asking you out.
• Don't give guys too much information about "that time" of the month.
• Don't share your weed stash with your roommate's girlfriend's little brother who thinks you're hot.  He'll never stop calling.
• Don't talk about marriage.  Ever.
• Don't date your roommate.
• Don't write a blog post about how he "helped himself" driving on the highway.
• Don't pretend to be interested in old cars/politics/football/whatever unless you actually are.
• Don't call him by a pet name.  Don't let him call you by a pet name.
• Don't spy on his cell phone/facebook/email. 
• Don't order anything that contains broccoli, pesto, corn, or spinach on a first date if you don't have floss in your purse.
• Don't puke in front of your date.  Or in his bed.
• Don't ever say "Oh, I never even saved your phone number to my contacts list."
• Don't date anyone younger than (your age/2) + 7 years.  Or under the age of 18.  
• Don't date anyone too old.  There's a reason they're still single.
• Don't accept a date offer to Bar Louie on a Tuesday night.
• Don't Facebook friend him until you're actually friends, or seriously dating.
• Don't tell a guy that last night's hook-up was like a sloppier version of Seth Rogen and Katherine Heigl in Knocked Up.
• Don't be stoopid.

L

things to do if you aren't having sex in a2

Once upon a time when I was a Goody Two Shoes in high school, I was a PSI Leader.  What, exactly, is a PSI leader?  Basically, I got to skip class, ride a bus across town, eat candy, and tell middle schoolers not to Do It.  Plus, we had Jimmy Johns parties with the other PSI Leaders once a semester.   Postponing Sexual Involvement* was a program run by the local hospital to encourage middle schoolers in the district to wait to have sex --because in Elkhart County, we keep it classy with the sixth highest rate of teen pregnancies in the state.  We showed lame-o movies and did awkward activities and skits with the kids, like rating what is appropriate for boyfriend and girlfriend to do on a scale of "meaningful eye contact" to sex.

Another activity was to list date ideas that don't involve sex (Mall, movies, go to the park, get coffee).  I was reminded of this when I read a pee-your-pants-its-so-funny article my friend Ro Ro sent me, "18 Things You Can Do Instead of Having Sex (If You're In A Dry Spell Like Me)."  Inspired by this HIGHlarity (love you, Perez), I created my own list of things to do when you're bored because you're not getting any-- but with an Ann Arbor twist:

1. Celebrity stalk.  They're filming AWOL in town right now, which means Aimee Teegarden and Mr. Miley Cyrus Liam Hemsworth are in town somewhere.  Go get some pictures with celebs!
2. Take advantage of the movies filming and sign up to be an extra.  My friend uses realstyleonline and it's legit-- I've seen him on television, and he's getting calls all the time for movies in the area.
3. Youtube how to open a lock, and practice...because surely the reason you're not getting any is that you lost the key to your chastity belt.  (Dare to reader:  Google Image "Chastity Belt."  Horrifying.)
4. Play pranks for fun.  My favorite? Sneaking up on high schoolers smoking pot in the Arb and pretending to be an undercover cop.  Gluing coins to the sidewalk works in a pinch, too.
5. Order some Rosetta Stone and learn a foreign language, and then take a trip to that country -- maybe you'll get lucky there.  I mean, it worked in Love Actually, right?
6. Hide from the humidity and enjoy the last night of Shark Week!
7. Steal flowers from front yards/the Diag and practice making floral arrangements.
8. Mt. Nacheesmo Challenge.  Doesn't matter if all 5 pounds of those nachos goes straight to your butt, if no one's gonna see you in your skivvies later.
9. Start the Ashley's beer tour.  Maybe the combination of beer goggles and lowered inhibitions will increase the chances of getting some action.
10. Get a new haircut and highlights.
11. Start a blog.

 I'll get back to you when I find Liam Hemsworth.... Australian accents are cute!

L


*They had a similar program in one of our neighboring school districts, but they called it Postponing Sexual Intercourse... Eww. A little too graphic for my taste, when you're looking down at the greasy little kiddos and saying "intercourse."

gettin' chum-my with it

I can still remember the first time I saw Jaws.  I had sneaked down into our basement for some illicit TV watching, and happened upon Jaws.  Face hidden under a blanket, one eye peeping out, I wanted to change the channel, but my fear paralyzed me.  And yet, a small part of me was electrified... I couldn't look away.  The everlasting impression?  Sharks were everywhere, and would strike without warning.  Any and every body of water was unsafe. (Years later, I still prefer to stick to pools and the Great Lakes)

Despite the scare factor, sharks are amazing.  Between their rows and rows of teeth, super senses ( A drop of blood from a mile away? Wowza! ), and the fact that they kicked evolution like a bad habit 100 million years ago?  I'm fascinated.  They've got me hook, line and sinker, if you will.  And that's why every summer, Discovery Channel's Shark Week is like my birthday come early.  A whole, glorious week of everything sharks! 

Why you, too, should love Shark Week:

1. Great advertising -- and I'm not talking about the scary commercials, and the shark-man billboards.  I'm talking about the great whites that are flocking to Cape Cod and Hawaii, causing beach closings.  Forget Mad Men, this is real passion for advertising!
2. It's a week!  Most celebrations get just one day -- 4th of July, Memorial Day, Birthdays, Christmas.  But sharks--all 440 kinds-- get a whole week. 
3. Rhinoceros Week just doesn't have the same ring to it.  Sure, there are a lot of fearsome predators in the animal kingdom, but few elicit the same type of fear that sharks do.
4. The Shark Week Drinking Game.  Take a drink every time you hear the phrase "apex predator," and a shot every time you're forced to look away from a video of a shark attack.  
5. Andy Samberg, the first ever appointed CSO (Chief Shark Officer), is hosting this year.  He's basically one of my favorite funny men for no particular reason, and it's going to be nothing short of amazing.
6. Shark Week is like steroids for the Discovery Channel's ratings.  Last year, almost 31 million unique viewers tuned in for Shark Week.  The Discovery Channel brings us all kinds of gems, like Cash Cab, Planet Earth, MythBusters, and Deadliest Catch.  They definitely deserve a blow-out week once a year.
7. You get to wear dorky awesome Shark Week clothes, and tell shark jokes.

It's going to be another hot week, so what better excuse do you need to set the Tivo and stay inside where it's cool?  You'll know where to find me...

L

PS: Why do sharks live in the ocean and not the sky?....The sky is Jet territory!!