surviving the zombie apocalypse

If you don't already think I'm crazy, that's about to change.  Usually I'm busy thinking about the 4Gs -- Guys, Girlfriends, and Gossip Girl-- just like any other 22 year-old girl.  (And sometimes the fifth G, where to find a good Gin martini).  But during the last year or so, I've found myself caught up in deep, serious thought about the zombie apocalypse.  My main question is this:  would I survive?

I'm going to go ahead and blame this fascination on a short period of time when I was geeking out on AMC's The Walking Dead, slasher films, Zombieland, and that Will Smith movie where he has to kill his dog.  Regardless, it's resulted in some pretty extensive research.

A mathematician at the University of Ottawa named Robert Smith? (who uses the question mark to distinguish himself from other Robert Smiths, of course), has calculated with a super-duper fancy equation that if one zombie were introduced to a city of 500,000 people, the zombies would outnumber the living in about three days.  And that in seven, everyone would either be dead or a zombie.  This means that in a city like Ann Arbor, I have about a day and a half.  Now that's something to think about.

How to avoid becoming one of the undead?  Based on my movie-watching and hours upon hours of pondering, I've come up with a preliminary list of skills required to survive the zombie apocalypse:

• Running.  I think this is easy enough to understand.  Staggering, guts-eating zombies coming at you?     You've got to be able to run away.
• Shooting a gun. Also pretty simple.  Have to eliminate the predator.  Combine this with the double tap (thank you, Jesse Eisenberg) and you're golden.
• Wielding a sword.  Conspicuously missing from the CDC's Zombie Apocalypse Preparedness list is a samurai sword.  Who needs clean, fragrant zombies with enough documentation to cross borders?  What you need is a sword for when the bullets run out.
• Hiding.  If they can't find you, they can't eat you.  Enough said.
• Hunting and Gathering.  Zombies aside, you need food.  So knowing what berries make you sick, or how to skin a deer could come in handy.  This could also apply to raiding abandoned grocery stores/homes.
• Hot-wiring cars.  I'm not actually sure this is necessary, but having a getaway car would be nice.  It also seems to be a theme in zombie movies.  [cut to scene where protagonist wastes half a tank of gas cruising around in an expensive car]

 I figure I'm three for six here, which gives me a 50% chance of survival.  On my to-do list for the year is bettering my sword-fighting skills, and YouTube-ing how to hot-wire a car.  I suggest anyone else looking to survive the zombie apocalypse brush up on their skills as well.  Or, if you're like my friend G6, join the army so you can be close to the guns when it all goes down.

L

PS:  Anyone out there struggling to think of a fabulous birthday gift for me?  I'd love a copy of The Zombie Survival Guide so I can add to my list, because I'm pretty sure no one wants to see me end up like this: