Inhale. [Montage flashing through head of picnics in the park, dinners out, sailing together, throwing snow balls at each other, kissing on the couch in front of the fire]. His parents, progressive and supportive, would find me a breath of fresh air with my country-mouse ways in their big-city existence. I'd bake them cookies and win them over with my perfect manners. We'd wed in a small but tasteful wedding at a vineyard. Every morning before another draining day at the office, I'd have his coffee ready just the way he liked it, and I would make sure dinner was ready before he got home. I'd iron his shirts the way he liked them, and give him foot rubs on the weekends, and take our dog, a golden retriever named Kennedy to the vet. We'd live just outside of the city with a big yard for our kids to run through, because I'm still scared of the city. And that's what he'd love about me. Exhale.This was (a very, very, very exaggerated version of) me. Until about a year ago, I was what you might call a "husband hunter." Disillusioned by Disney movies and romance novels, I wanted a husband and marriage and kids, and I wanted it ASAP, by golly! Now don't mistake me for a gold digger -- money wasn't what this is about, though certainly for some husband hunters it might be. For me? I wanted a husband and marriage because it would mean emotional security, and an end not only to my loneliness, but also the awful carousel that is dating.
On the surface, I never saw anything wrong with being a family-oriented girl who wanted to get married, settle down, start a family, have a few kids. But there's a fundamental problem with all of this -- being "married" to the idea of being married doesn't allow for healthy relationships. When you're forcing a guy into the role that you want without his consent, it's never going to end well. [Cue: Awful story where Lindsey meets Harsh Reality.]
It's been a long and sometimes painful process, but I can now proudly call myself reformed. I'm starting every type of a relationship with an open mind, and really focusing on connecting with the guys I meet. We can choose the nature of our relationship together. I'm enjoying my journey through life, and I'm not going to wait for the "I do" as a permission or signal for the beginning of emotional security and happiness. Sure, I want a beautiful wedding someday, but I've already worked out a back-up plan... marrying myself! Hopefully it doesn't come to that, but you never know. Besides, I don't think living with myself for the rest of my life would be so bad at all!
Look for my wedding invitations in the mail circa 2025!
L<3
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